Handshakes With The Opposite Gender: A Different Response
The following is not written by me, but by my friend, Siraaj Muhammad. It was a comment on another blog regarding the permissibility/impermissibility of shaking hands with non-mahrams and how that affects us Muslims in our lives (i.e. getting jobs, doing da’wah, etc.).
This is my own personal opinion and experience – what many people term as “hardships” these days are not hardships – they are feelings of embarassment and shame at the difference between what is taught in Islam vs what is commonplace in Western society.
These hardships, in my experience, are indicative of #1, weak tawakkul, and #2, poor prioritization. Let me give an example from my own practice.I take the opinion that the beard is not only waajib, it’s not to be touched. I do respect other opinions (some more than others), but I chose this opinion because I believed it and continue to believe it to be the strongest.
When I started looking for job interviews, everyone said, “You must trim or shave your beard, you can’t get a job in corporate America – can’t you at least choose an easier opinion?” I said, no way, this is what I believe, if Allah subhaana wa ta’aala wants me to have a job, I’ll have it, and if not, I won’t.
I had two interviews – the first with Microsoft, the second with Motorola. I didn’t prepare very well for the Microsoft interview, but I did prepare very thoroughly for both the technical and HR part of the interview with Motorola, and alhamdulillaah, I got that job, and four years later, I’m still here, being promoted, getting raises, and alhamdulillaah, doing well.
I don’t say this to toot my own horn. I say this to let you know that even if there are places that won’t take you because of your beard, there are places that will – you need to do your due diligence in the things that matter the most, work hard, and leave the rest to Allah subhaana wa ta’aala.
Another story – a brother I know (and whom Imam Suhaib knows) began training in a particular technology and was in the course with other Muslims (another Muslim was teaching it for free to these Muslims to benefit them). As part of the trend with getting a job with this technology, many people tremendously fudge their work experience to pick up a job. One Muslim brother, a practicing brother, asks my friend how he’s going to get a job, what his strategy is, what’s he going to fudge, basically. My friend points up, indicating, I’m relying on Allah subhaana wa ta’aala. How does that brother respond? “No really, what are you going to do?” Tawakkul = ? Preparation = fudge resume and lie, and more than likely if he looks hard and far enough, he’ll find an opinion that calls this a daroorah.
Many times, I read, “But brother, these fiqh details can compromise the daw’ah, it can hurt us, we can’t spread Islam, and so forth.” So don’t wear niqaab, it’s bad for daw’ah. Don’t not shake hands, it’s bad for daw’ah. Don’t grow a beard, it’s bad for daw’ah. When the going gets tough, the tough…assimilate.
I say, you simply need better preparation. Take the handshaking issue – if a nonmahram tries to shake my hand, I simply put my right hand to my heart (as I’ve seen my malaysian brothers do after shaking hands and giving salaam) and say, “I’m sorry, I can’t shake hands for religious reasons.” I say it in this kindest, most friendly voice. I’ve run the scenario in my head, and I’ve practiced it, so it’s natural, and I’ve yet to meet someone who was offended or put off.
I recall one time, I went to get my hands fingerprinted at the INS, and I was in this ghetto area of Chicago, and only women were at the finger printing stations, and they would hold your hand and do the fingerprinting. I went straight up to the woman before my ticket was called and said, “Hi, I’m Muslim, and for religious reasons, I actually need a guy hold my hand and so forth, do you think that could be arranged?” Again, very kind. The woman says, sure, no problem, then yells out, “Hey, we need a dude to finger print this guy, he can’t have no girl touching his hand!” and everyone heard it. Someone approached her and asked what did he say, was he rude, and again, pretty loud, she says, “Naw, he wasn’t rude at all, he was very nice.” The guy who then fingerprints me asks me, “What religion are you, by the way,” and I tell him I’m a Muslim, and he’s like, yeah, I have this Buddhist friend and they don’t shake hands with women either.” A buddhist!
Another incident – at one of our almaghrib classes, the female security guard at the desk whom I was dealing with at the end, wanted to shake my hand, and I said what I normally say (see above) and you know what her response was? “I apologize, I knew you guys didn’t shake hands, but I wanted to TEST you to see if you’d really do it or not.”
These “daw’ah difficulties” are not difficulties – they are opportunities – they’re practical daw’ah (read: practicing rather than just preaching) opportunities to teach Islam to others.
I find sometimes that our priority on making daw’ah palatable is so extreme at times, that it leads to circumventing any form of discomfort to convey Islam. It is possible to practice Islam without resorting juridical backflips (ie what is the easiest opinion on everything?) and at the same time prioritizing daw’ah.
If you want to solve this apparent identity crisis in America, then start teaching and inculcating personal security, dignity, and yes, pride in la illaaha illallaah and what comes with it. Teach people that Allah subhaana wa ta’aala comes first, that regardless of one’s situation, He can give us what we need, if we work hard, with consistently, and relentlessly prepare.
This is my humble rant 12 years being involved in various daw’ah organizations and continuing to do so, both with the youth and with “the uncles”, both in college and in corporate america. Islamic practice need not be as hard as it is imagined to be if we stop imagining it to be so.
Siraaj
June 6th, 2008 at 4:57 PM
Wait, what does that have to do with customizing your Firefox?
D:
June 6th, 2008 at 5:19 PM
This is an interesting narration, but I must ask the brother how he feels about the Prophet instructing Muslims to take the easier of two valid opinions?
I have read it was acceptable to shake hands / not wear a beard / etc. – and thus follow those opinions. I dont understand why Muslims must continually advocate to make their situations more challenging? If there is an easier Islamic path to follow, why deny it?
Perhaps this is the key to helping muslims stay muslim.
June 6th, 2008 at 7:44 PM
Jah_Rastafari:
“If there is an easier Islamic path to follow, why deny it?”
Because the question is whether or not the easier path is even Islamic, or simply an wrong interpretation, which if the Prophet (saw) were asked to approve, he, in the opinion of those who oppose that specific ruling – would deny.
You can have lots of easy interpretations, and there have been many in the past. That doesn’t mean they aren’t wrong. It just means they are easy.
And just because a ruling is easy, doesn’t mean its wrong. We should give way to our prejudices against hard rulings and easy rulings – both – and judge from a perspective of knowledge – not our personal opinions.
AS
June 6th, 2008 at 7:46 PM
To clarify, I’m not saying all easy rulings are wrong.
Nor that all easy rulings are right.
But that rulings should be based on knowledge by a person of knowledge, not one’s personal opinion about easy or hard.
June 6th, 2008 at 7:57 PM
I agree with Siraaj. Also, there is nothing wrong with “easier” opinions so long as they are sound (as ASA [which is the abbreviation for aspirin btw] stated), but certain easier opinions need to be restricted to a situational basis rather than a blanket fatwa for everyone and their children to follow.
For example, if someone is taking out an interest bearing loan, then maybe if the opinion is valid and the person has dire circumstances then a scholar might tell him to take that opinion. But if a millionaire comes and says he wants to take an interest bearing loan so that he can increase his bank account and its allowed because so and so shaykh said so, then we fall into bad grounds in that case.
Similarly, if someone needs to shave/trim their beard in order to truly avoid some harm then of course we should take the person’s situation into consideration.
As for barriers of Da’wah, I think we tend to make our shortcomings excuses as obstacles in our da’wah. “I can’t grow a beard because people will think I’m a terrorist” So what? If they think your a terrorist for praying will you stop praying?
Good post.
June 6th, 2008 at 8:04 PM
JR: Thanks for the excellent manner in your response. I’m sure Mr. Cyrax will eventually find his way over here to comment with his thoughts. He’s a late night surfer like yourself.
As for my thoughts, I’m thinking two in specific.
2. What This Post’s Main Point Was
I believe the point of this piece was to show that a lot of what we consider “difficulties” are not entirely difficulties in the first place. Even for myself, some of my family members told me I wouldn’t land an internship with the small beard that I have. And yet two years later here I am having ended a successful two-year Co-Op Internship program, all praise and thanks due to Allah. I feel we’ve been very conditioned to think that certain items are dangerous “red flags” that are absolutely impossible to live with when in reality they aren’t.
So the question isn’t why are we denying ease, it’s are we trying to pro actively solve scenarios that come at us?
1. The Prophetic Way
Yes, the Prophet, sal Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, taught us in one Hadith to take the easier of two valid opinions. Our same role model, however, was spoken about in another Hadith reported in Sahih Muslim in which his most beloved wife, A’isha, radhiAllahu ‘anha said:
It would be in our best interest to skip determining which is the easy or difficult way out and first learn, understand, and act on the Prophetic way was to begin with!
And Allah knows best.
Saqib
P.S. Thanks to everyone for always commenting on my blog in ways of high character and respect. As they say, word is bond.
June 6th, 2008 at 8:15 PM
I have a question all those who read the original post:
-Was the fatwa saying that it is OK because of the issue of ease or hardship?
I think the discussion has gone away from the purpose of the fatwa…..
ws
AS
June 6th, 2008 at 8:20 PM
I purposefully didn’t link the fatwa or discuss it because I didn’t want start unqualified side discussions about it or the issuer, may Allah preserve him. Rather I just wanted to show that things like growing a beard or not shaking hands with a woman, or even things like praying at work or wearing hijab in public aren’t impossibilities like we sometimes make them out to be.
I apologize if this has led to attacking the fatwa or something like that one (this one!). We ask Allah to make Islam easy and beloved for us to practice.
June 6th, 2008 at 11:46 PM
Br Siraaj all other Muslim Youth,
Assalamu Alaikum,
It is very unfortunate that today some of the muslims youth have reduced this great deen of ours to mere debates about the length of beards, types of hijaabs and permissibility of hand shakes with the opposite gender. All of this is going on at a time when Allah’s laws and His orders are being openly disobeyed and are being thrashed all over His own kingdom and at a time when the humanity is bleeding all over because of the persecution and injustice of the men made laws and systems.
We live in a Godless secular society which is based on these men made laws where God must stay confined within the places of worship. A society which has been built and has flourished on the blood and sweat of the economically and socially deprived people of this world.
Yet, we take great pride in how well we have done in benefitting from this unjust system and we continue to work hard day and night to further strengthen it. We never, even once, stop to think about its unfairness, question its validity, or show our concern about our own role in advancing it or even worry about our accountability on the day of judgement for promoting it.
How can we ever be the witnesses unto the mankind?
How can we claim to be the best of nations raised for the welfare of mankind? and
How can we fulfill our duties as His assistant on this earth?
Thes are the questions we should be asking ourselves and consuming our intelect in.
May Allah SWT guide us all on the right path and give us strength to fulfill our duties as His assistants in this earth (Ameen)
June 7th, 2008 at 1:44 AM
Masha’Allah Abu Ayesha, this is an excellent point that you have brought. May Allah (swt) help us focus our efforts on the deen fully.
I must say though, that the issues mentioned above are of some level of importance in the Deen and do deserve an adequate level of discussion. Islam is still a package that Allah (swt) has blessed us with that spans all aspects of our lives including political, social, economical, and spiritual. So the general of an army is concerned about how he goes to the bathroom, he avoids shaking hands with women, and is cautious about keeping his relationship with Allah intact.
It is definitely true though, as you have so eloquently mentioned above masha’Allah, that some of societies youth have turned to focusing only on certain issues and not seeing the broader picture.
In response to this, we shouldn’t take the same approach and move our focus to some other single aspect of Islam but rather our focus should become accepting Islam as the full package that Allah (swt) has given to us. Wa lillahil hamd.
Meaning we seek to please Allah (swt) in every aspect by implementing not only the political, but the social and economical as well. The three questions you have provided would encompass such a goal bi ‘idhnillahi ta’alaa.
JazakAllahu khayr for sharing your wisdom with us Abu Ayesha as it is always welcome.
Asalaamu alaikum
June 7th, 2008 at 8:56 AM
Br. Faiez,
Assalamu alaikum,
Jazakall-Allahu khairan for your comments.
I agree with you whole heartedly that these other issues are important also. Just because, in my opinion, there are some issues that deserve more attention clearly does not mean that we should not care about the “so called” minor issues that impact our personal lives. As a matter of fact, those who can not implement this deen in their personal lives may not be very well suited for implementing it in our collective lives either.
Some feel that we need to fix ourselves as individuals first before we fix the society around us. I, however, believe that we must do both in a parallel manner and have a balance in our vision and approach. I say this because I feel that this was the practice of the great companions (may Allah be pleased with them all) of our beloved prophet (may peace and blessings be on him).
This sense of balance, however, may vary from one individual to another but when it is totally lopsided, it becomes very obvious. It is this apparent lopsidedness that I have an issue with.
May Allah SWT help us in impleneting His laws both in our lives and in His kingdom (Ameen).
June 7th, 2008 at 10:10 AM
Abu Ayesha as-Siddique,
I pray that Allah sends blessings upon you and your family.
I can understand your frustration at how so many of the issues that come up sometimes might seem like they are ignoring the bigger picture. However, just because there is dialogue over “individual Islam” type issues, doesn’t mean the discussers instantly are trivializing and/or ignoring “socio-political Islam” as a result. That is simply not true, and to say or even imply so would be unfair to say the least.
Since it’s the Sahaba we want to take as our role models, we should remember that they were the best at practicing both the individual and socio-political Islam. Whether it be something as “small” as carrying one’s self in the correct manner amongst the opposite gender, or establishing the Hukm of Allah throughout the lands for the justice of humanity, all issues in Islam are important.
And Allah knows best.
June 7th, 2008 at 2:26 PM
Assalamu’alaykum
People focus too much on what they perceive to be as negative aspects of Islamic Law, such as losing a job offer due to beard/handshaking. What people forget is that Allah may be saving them from hardships in the lost job, and preparing and guiding them to a better job.
June 9th, 2008 at 2:22 PM
Abu Ayesha,
Those are some profound questions. My answer is that although the examples brought forward for discussion were the more mundane fiqhi aspects which admittedly receive more tabloid play than other higher priority concerns, they are symptomatic of deeper problems which also impact those very concerns you’ve raised.
I would love to elaborate more, but that would take a while, but maybe insha’Allah I’ll write a post on it
Siraaj
June 11th, 2008 at 8:07 PM
These are profouond thoughts on a truly generational experience. It reminds me of the battle of Uhud. The archers (may Allah have mercy on them all) disobeyed the explicit command of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) seeking some wordly gain but met only with destruction.
Too often we lose sight of the fact that success BOTH here and hereafter lie only in keeping true to Allah and His commandments, and seeking His pleasure before all others.
We need to share more of our stories and experiences to inspire and give encouragement as shaytaan certainly does his best to make disobedience to Allah fair-seeming and trivial.
June 30th, 2008 at 9:43 AM
[...] shaking hands read this article for [...]
July 1st, 2008 at 11:09 AM
Masha’Allah
A very informative and benificial article.
may Allah strengthen you and help you stand firm, ameen.
I think the comments are benificial, and the discussions that are being raised are valid and equally important.
masha’Allah.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:35 PM
Jazakumullah for posting this. It was really good.
December 18th, 2008 at 1:36 PM
Thanks for posting this. You have a very engaging writing style… jazakhallah.